I've got quite a few memorable date stories and unfortunately most of mine are memorable for all the wrong reasons.
Sure, there's been plenty of forgettable ones, mainly because the guys were total gentleman and behaved themselves , but I DO have a quite a few pearlers. And this is one of the biggest/longest ones, so brace yourselves.
LET'S START WITH: MARVIN
Yeah, I chose "Marvin" for a reason, because that name is close enough to the name of the guy I went on one UNFORGETTABLE date with, this story has been re-told many a times and it's one of my faves because it's still so shocking and brings the LOLS.
He had a geeky name, one that I definately couldn't imagine myself yelling out, or even just calling out in public...
Anyhoo, I met Marvin at a club back in the day, and I thought he was the hottest thing out.
We danced and had a little kiss but nothing major. Marvin was 25 to my 17!! (Cradle Snatcher!)
Age was nothing but a number to Marvin though and he got my digits and followed up our encounter with a truly memorable, first and last date.
Marvin picked me up and we went to a well known local coffee shop.
I was only 17 so I had a back up plan and had some of my friends lined up to call me at intervals to check that I didn't need an opt out.
One particular friend, George, called me rather early in the date (as we were in the line up to order our food/drinks) George was loud at the best of times, and as I picked up the call I was already frantically trying to turn the volume down so that Marvin couldn't hear the rest of George's "HOWS YOUR NEW BOYYYYYYYYYFRAAAAAAAAAAAND" sentence.
shame.
Everything was so far so good, so I told George I was 'just out with a friend' which was code for "I'm Okay, fuck off!" and hung up.
Marvin and I sat down and started talking. He filled me in with mega important first date details. You know, what he earns, how much money he has saved, what he owns...
Turned out, Marvin was a massive show off and also insanely boring.
After enchanting me with his bank balance and plans for purchasing property (YAWN!) he must have realised that I was losing enthusiasm, so he decided to tell me some jokes.
I sat there, trying to keep a straight face as my 'middle eastern' date (I don't discriminate kids, I date ALL the flavours) told me a bunch of hardcore horrible racist jokes, about jews.
The thing is, I'm Jewish. (or atleast I was raised Jewish)
I sat there, LAUGHING my head off and playing along with his mega racial jew jokes, being slightly concerned that if I fessed up and told him I was actually jewish, that he might flip out and start throwing rocks at me. This was not a good sign.
The date went on and he bored my pants off. Not literally, because I would never go to second base with a racist.
Eventually, it was time to leave (FREEDOM AT LAST) and we walked to his car.
As we were walking to his car, we bumped into a acquaintance of his (convenient) and had a chat. The dude asked if we were seeing each other, and Marvin gave me this stupid little smile and said we were. (we weren't! it was a FIRST DATE!)
We got to his car and Marvin got all lame and weird before he tried to make a move.
He went in for the kill, but before he did, he hugged me...really tight...for a long, long time. SO LONG infact, that I was rolling my eyes because all I wanted to do was go HOME!.
So there we stood, by his car, with me leaning on the car and patting Marv on the back as he hugged me and attempted to bury his face in my chest.Then finally something else happened... Marvin started blowing hot air on my cleavage.
Not kidding.
I didnt know what the hell he was doing, how long it would go for or if he was going to blow.
If I thought it couldnt get worse, I was wrong, because then he went in for the kiss.
This may put all future guys off from kissing me, because technically, I have made out with a Lizard. I'd already had a little kiss with Marvin when I met him at the club, remember? (these were the days when pashing on in a club was A-OKAY!) I must have been intoxicated or he wasn't doing his usual technique- I still don't know but THIS WAS THE WORST KISS OF MY LIFE!
hands down!
I was planning on just 'following his lead' but I had no idea what the hell the guy was trying to do.
He had his mouth open against mine and was just BREATHING HOT AIR INTO MY MOUTH.
I actually kept opening my eyes because I was so disgusted/confused/looking for someone to rescue me. The hot breath blowing continued some more and THEN CAME THE TOUNGE.
It was like a lizard. He just kept poking it IN AND OUT like A LIZARD!
Here was a 25 year old guy, who had no clue on how to pash.
I wanted to cry/die/go home.
After more awkward tounge pokes, he quit and we got in the car and I was finally going home.
I spent the whole car ride leaning really close to the door.I kept trying to say really immature and bogan things in an attempt to turn him off and make him not like me. He kept rubbing my leg and asking if I was okay and 'what are you thinking?" I amped up my high schooler charm and said that I was 'just thinking about WAGGING school tomorrow". I thought that would turn him off- but he said to let him know if I did and we could go to the coast!!!
Nothing worked on this dude.
After what seemed like an eternity and listening to his fucking MIX TAPE (no shit- it was a tape.) of Enrique Iglesias- "HERO" ( I know right now that you are starting to question this story, but I am DEAD SET) we eventually got to my house.
I have never jumped out of a car so fast.
I said my byes, bolted inside, and jumped straight on the home phone to my friend Liz to fill her in & tell her to come straight over so we could head to Milton and have a proper laugh at my bad luck.
I don't want to get into too much detail about the next bit, cos its kind of SAD, but in the 5 minutes that I was home and talking to Liz, he had rung me, questioned what I was thinking about "us" and sent me some follow up messages about what I was thinking. awkward.
I let Marvin down when he rang at lunch time the next day whilst I was at school, and let me tell you- he didnt give up easily and kept asking when he could call me again.
I saw him a year later and he literally tried to pretend he didnt know me. I even reminded him we went on a date, and he just sat there, faking ignorance (shame)
Moral of the story; don't tell racist/religious/political jokes because you never know who your sitting with AND don't breathe on the rack of a 17 year old girl and expect her to dig it.
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